Navel Gazing

2003-09-23T12:40:00.000-04:00

The Sexiest Gay Man Ever

Holy homosexual hotness! I've become so obsessed with watching Queer Eye For The Straight Guy just to see Kyan in all his sexiness. I really hope he's the one that people are saying is really the straight guy out of the "Fab 5." Mmm....mmmm...mmm...mmm....mmmm..

2003-09-23T11:54:00.000-04:00

Check Out My New Wheels

I love my new 2003 Nissan Altima! It's sheer silver with a black velour interior. And it has that delicious new car smell! Wooooo!!!!!!

Gramps Is One Amazing Guy

Over the weekend he has declined more than he ever has before. We also learned he now has leukemia and it has spread throughout his blood stream. Yesterday it looked like he was suffering being on the ventilator. He's on heavy duty morphine but it seems it still doesn't help his pain because he winces and grimaces a lot. It's just so inhumane to keep him like this. The docs had to lower the morphine so they could discuss his "options" with him and see if he gives an answer as to whether or not he wants to pull the plug. I REALLY thought he would just nod and give up and let them pull the plug because he just looks like he's tired, suffering and in tremendous pain. But, amazing as he is, he shook his head no when asked if he wants the ventilator to be shut off. It breaks my heart. I'm not sure that he fully understands the situation he's in. They aren't giving him pints of blood anymore because it really is prolonging the inevitable. So, without transfusions the docs say "by the end of this week" he'll pass. The problem I have with that is, without the blood, his body will go into cardiac arrest and that will be even more pain for him and that's not the way we want him to go. It's hard for me to say this but I feel the best thing for him is to go peacefully in his sleep with heavy sedation as they pull him off the respirator. It's his decsion though and he firmly made it, so we just have to wait and just let him go when it happens. It's very tough, I just can't even begin to explain how tough it is.

Sunday Was My Weekend

Louis being the bestest boyfriend ever, took me away from all the madness and we hit up some Stir Crazy at the Palisades. Yum yum! We then went back to his place and cuddled and snuggled. Just the best feeling ever. I can't believe our 2 YEAR anniversary is coming up soon, time so so flies. Amazing.

Interview! Woo!

I have an interview Thursday morning in New City, NY. Wish me luck!!! I hope I get it, they have great benefits, health, vision, dental, life, 401k, one floating holiday, 4 weeks paid time off!! Weeee!

2003-09-17T11:38:00.001-04:00

A Mixture Of It All

The New Car Shopping Extravaganza

Starting this evening my dad and I will be going out to different Nissan dealers to see what's the best deal they have to offer. Whatever the outcome, I'll be sure to come out of it with GAP insurance and a sweet APR. Wish me luck.

The Car Loan Debacle

Well it looks like Allslut will be giving me more on the retail value of my totalled Jeep. So that brings down what I owe on the principal of the loan to 7 grand. Not too shabby and definitely do-able. So good ole' Dad is giving me a loan on his 401k and I'm going to pay off the car loan with that. Fuck them and their ridicuously high interest rates. I was raped and it hurts. Then I am going to seek counsel with a lawyer and sue the fuck out of the asswipe that barrelled into us, thusly paying my Dad back.

I'm So Tired Thinking Of The Tire Situation

Since I had brand new Good Year tires put onto my Jeep exactly a week before the accident, we are allowed by Allslut to take the tires from my Jeep. They weren't even touched in the collision so we wanted either a refund from Allslut or to take them. We decided to take them since Allslut was only reimburing us 20% of what we payed for them. The problem herein lies. We have to exchange the tires on the totalled Jeep with other tires. Well we have tires, that's a not a problem since my Dad has the same exact Jeep but one year newer. We plan on taking off his tires and putting them on my Jeep at the Allslut salvage yard in Quakertown PA. The problem is my Dad nor I know how to "properly" take off and put on tires. My one solution is to go to Goodyear near us, have them remove my Dad's tires. Then go to Quakertown PA with my car and his tires in tow. Then that's where the problem starts. How to remove the new tires off the Jeep and put my Dad's old tires on the totalled Jeep. Allslut told me that there is no one that can help us do this at the salvage yard. What to do...what to do....

Job Seeking Gone Sour

I had an interview at a Women's Radiology facility on Park Avenue on the Upper East Side. Yeah yeah I know, too stuffy and snotty for my like, but I was curious so I went. Turns out the radiologist is a 45-something Park Avenue woman trying to be a 20-something girl. Tons of plastic surgery and pearls, it was sad. So much pretentious bullshit was being thrown to me at the interview, but the one red siren that alarmed me not to take the position was the following statement said by 45-something Park Avenue woman, "We offer 4 weeks vacation but I have to tell you, you can only take it when I take it. I go away one week in March, a week around Christmas, and 2 weeks sometime in the summer." What the feh????????? I ran out of there so fast, I knocked over a little girl and her white poodle who were both wearing the same outfits. Oh well, it's all a process of elimination and this is just the start of my job hunt. Happy hunting is ahead.

2003-09-15T15:11:00.001-04:00

Board Certifiably Lemonicious

What a GREAT weekend for a change. Lovely ladies and gorgeous gents yours truly has passed the boards! I am registered with the American Registry of Diagnostic Medical Sonographers as a registered and board certified ultrasound technologist. Spiffy eh? Woooo! I was treated to a day of shopping at the mall in rewardance by my lovely Louis. Yes, yes it was a good weekend indeed.

In other news, hurricane Isabelle is speeding on up to our area. Do I ask my lovie to take out the wood now or later? You know.....to protect our windows. And our poor home at Disney! I'm so scared for Mickey...........and our jacuzzi!

2003-09-11T15:04:00.000-04:00

I Don't Think This Roller Coaster Of Stress Is Ever Coming Down

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I'm surprised I don't have a nosebleed from being so high up on this stress roller coaster. Today my grandfather had a tracheotomy and SO FAR he is doing well in recovery as I type this. His own situation is very unstable so in a few hours from now it could totally be a different story. I just hope that doesn't happen.

Then I get a call from my insurance adjuster telling me the retail value of my Jeep is $10,900.00, and with my deductible it brings it down to $10,600.00. I was listening patiently as she was spewing off all these numbers to me. I then told her that I still owe $19,000.00 to the bank and that the insurance company should contact the bank to find out what the principal is and pay that off. She told me it isn't that way. She told me they are only responsible for whatever the retail value is of the car plus what ever condition it is in like mileage, etc... So that means I am responsible for nine thousand dollars on a car that I cannot drive and buy a new car on top of that? FUCK THAT!

2003-09-08T22:36:00.000-04:00

The Roller Coaster Of Stress...Seems To Go Up and Up and Up.....

Warning, serious rant ahead, nothing happy or positive, so if you're looking for laughs this is not the place to be right now. Come back tomorrow, I'll make your belly jiggle. Anyway, my god where to begin? Well my grandfather hasn't done so well after his surgery. About 5 days after the surgery, I get a call at 4:30AM from Aunt Kathy telling me to come to the hospital ASAP, that he isn't doing well. We get there, and he is in a heavily sedated state, on a respirator, with a fever of 104.6, blood pressure of 90/45, and a heart rate of 160 beats per minute. He was not doing well at all. In fact, at 7AM, his doctor came into the surgery waiting room where EVERYONE in my family was waiting and told us all that the next 12 hours were very crucial and that we might have to make decisions to pull the plug. It was the worst feeling I've ever had in my stomach, at that moment, ever. I mean, just the day before, he was sitting up in a chair, talking and just having a merry ole' time. Later, we learned in the middle of the night his right lung developed severe pneumonia which made him breathe very heavily and labored. As a result, he had a heart attack. That was a week ago. Now he seems to be slightly better, his numbers seem back to normal but he is still in the respirator and anxously getting tired of it being down his throat. Plus we're all nervous the more he's on the respirator, the lower his chances are of ever coming off it. It's been a roller coaster with him. One day he's good, the next he's not so good. Yesterday when Lou and I went to see him, it was the first time I've seen him with his eyes open and awake. He obviously can't talk with the respirator tube down his throat but he can sort of raise his hand (what he can of it since they have him tied down to the bed so he wont yank the tube out of this throat). He motioned to the cup of ice next to him and he wanted me to put the swab in his mouth so he can suck on the little cold sponge since he's so parched. Well it scared the shit out of me because each time I did it, it looked like he was going to choke. So nerve-wracking. Tomorrow they are doing a tracheotomy so that he can finally be a bit more comfortable without a tube sticking down his throat. They say they can ween him off the respirator easier with the tracheotomy tube. It's just scary because it's ANOTHER surgery tomorrow with him being on anesthesia with the respirator, it's going to be so high-risk for him.

This isn't the end to my recent nerve-wracking times. Last Saturday Lou and I got into a car accident. I was going through a green light (in Philadelphia, 3 blocks from my grandfather's hospital to visit him) when a car struck us on Lou's door. My Jeep then proceeded to flip over onto my side and I was kissing the ground and some shattered glass. The crash was about a split second but the "flipping" felt like an eternity, hours and hours long, like a dragged out dream. Amazingly, there were tons of people at the busy intersection that immediately ran over to us and were screaming to us if we were ok. All the of the sudden all the people started to flip my Jeep back onto all 4 tires. Next thing I was rushed over to Thomas Jefferson (of course they couldn't take me to the hospital where all my family was with my grandfather) with glass all over me and my clothes were being cut off of me. They cut off my most favorite jean jacket in the world! Those fuckers. They shoved me in the same ambulance as the guy that hit us who was now complaining of lower back pain, yadda yadda yadda. They took xrays and he had no broken bones. I overheard him telling someone that I ran the red light and that he had the green light. This is just going to be a fun battle. My Jeep is totalled. What's even making me more amazingly sick is that we went to see the car the next day and I don't know how Lou's legs were NOT crushed because that's exactly where the impact was. Thank god for his "cat-like reflexes." Now I have to worry about lawsuits and buying a new fucking car without saving for a down payment. Fucking great. Well, the funny thing is my new nickname is Crash.

Then to top it all off I have my last and final board exam this coming Saturday. I hope I can pass it with all this misery around me. They say bad things happen in 3's, I really don't want the third to be a failed exam. Eh fuck those bastards, I've been studying like mad so I'm sure I'll breeze through the exam. I need a slurpee, a massage, and a nice shopping spree at the mall. Argh.

2003-08-28T13:52:00.000-04:00

It's Been One Roller Coaster Of A Day

Yesterday Grandpa had his surgery. They finished surgery around 4pm. He went straight to the SICU for recovery. The surgery lasted 4 hours. The surgeon said the surgery was successful. They removed the tumor from his esophagus. The surgeon explained that it was surrounded by good tissue, so they couldn't see it, they had to "feel" for it. He said it was approximately the size of a prune. They sent it in for lab work which the results will come back in one week. He said it doesn't look like it spread to other areas since it was surrounded by good tissue, but we will not know if it had spread to the lymph nodes until the lab results come back. The surgeon STRESSED that the next 48 hours are CRITICAL and CRUCIAL. Since his lungs and heart are weak, with the added dysplasia of the blood, he is at high-risk. Anything can happen within the next 48 hours. He can come out perfectly fine, he can develop pneumonia, or an infection. He is now on a respirator until hopefully tomorrow. If he is breathing on his own without the respirator's help, they will take him off it. The surgeon also explained that he inserted a feeding tube since they had to remove part of his esophagus and stomach. So he will be on soft foods and liquid for a while until things heal inside. He had to receive one blood transfusion during the surgery, which was a lot less than we expected. We had to wait until 7PM to see him in the SICU. Since his white blood cell count is low, we all had to wear masks since he can get sick from us. We went in, two at a time. He obviously cannot talk with the respirator tube down his throat, but he was alert and could hear our voices. He couldn't open his eyes because he was on heavy pain medicine. I held his hand and talked to him, telling him that's he's such a trooper and he did a great job and I said "the Fightin' Irish" and I told him that I loved him, he rubbed my hand and nodded his head to let me know he could hear me. I'm just so happy to see how good he looks and how good he is responding so far. The SICU doctors said his heart, lungs, pressure and temperature are fine, but again the next 48 hours are CRUCIAL. All together he might end up staying in the hospital for 2 weeks. So my family and I are just hoping for the best and aer just going to wait and see. Oh and my little cousin Matt, who's 11, asked if he could go in and see grandpa, but he wasn't allowed since you have to be 14 to go into the SICU. We warned him that he would have all these tubes coming out of his body everywhere, just to prepare him for what he could see. So we snuck him in and he was just so happy to see Gramps. Even Gramps was happy, he squeezed Matts hand, it's just amazing how strong he is for 79 years old.

2003-08-21T22:02:00.000-04:00

I <3 the 70's!

If you haven't caught on yet, VH1 is showing I <3 the 70's all this week. If you've watched I <3 the 80's, you'll just be dying to watch it. All the same people are back commenting like Mo Rocca, Michael Ian Black (who is from my neighborhood, Hillsborough NJ, woo!), and even "our" very own hottie Stephen Lynch. Plus how can you not reminisce about Kiss, Black Sabbath, Wonder Woman, Sesame Steet, Land Before Time, afros reaching to the sky, and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? If you've never seen I <3 the 80's and you don't know what the hype is about, then this is a MUST SEE!

Oh and for the ladies,

2003-08-19T14:38:00.000-04:00

He Is Justifiably Hot In Person

Oh yeah baby. I went to the Justin and Christina concert last night at Nassau Coliseum as a spur of the moment thing. All I's gots to say is yes I want his body and yes I was jumping up and down like a teenybopper. I looked like such a fool among the ripple of young girls and gay guys, but it's all good. Oh yeah, Christina was good too, awesome voice. Nice boobs. Oh yeah and the black hair looks good.

Here's my hottie:

2003-08-14T18:02:00.000-04:00

Black Out of '03

From Canada to NYC, to Detriot and Ohio, there is no power as I type this. Pandamonium out on the streets. Of course where I live in Jersey can't be affected by this. Yes I should be saying I'm lucky because I'll survive the night with power, TV, and AC, but right now I want to use it as an excuse to leave work!!!!!!!!!!!! I should just pull all the cords out and call it a night. My boss will never know, he's out of town. Bastid.

2003-08-11T11:18:00.000-04:00

Don't Mess Around With His Weenie

Lou and I watched the Hot Dog Program over the weekend. It's a show about the best hot dogs across the 50 states. We learned that so many people are fascinated with hot dogs it's frightening. We also discovered the more one consumes hot dogs, the more brain-insufficient one becomes. One of our favorite hot dog connoisseurs is Gary Zemola. He would rather be called the Super Duper Weenie Man. Now this is one guy who gets ecstatic over hot dogs! Now I have to make sure that I take a hot dog field trip to Fairfield, Conneticut and say, "I'd like one Super Duper Weenie please!" The following is an excerpt from the website dedicated to the Hot Dog Program taken about the Super Duper Weenie Man:

In Fairfield, Connecticut, Gary Zemola, a.k.a. "The Super Duper Weenie Man," a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, sells "killer dogs" out of a GMC Stepvan just off Interstate 95. Customers cheer for his homemade relishes and specialty dogs - called things like the "New Yorker" and the "New Englander." Zemola, who has a passion for his product, also has a pet peeve: "People will order the most loaded dogs you can get and an order of fries. Then I hear 'diet soda' and the hair on my neck goes up. Diet doesn't exist here," says Zemola. "You're here to splurge, you're here to relax, enjoy!" Enough said.

Here is the Super Duper Weenie Man below:

Isn't he a hoot of a dawg?!

2003-08-08T13:43:00.000-04:00

Take A Look At My Wheels

Anyone want a ride the handlebars and play gas station with me?

2003-08-06T16:07:00.000-04:00

Am I Really An Adult?

Yes. It's good to see how things are shaping up 'round these parts lately. I have no time for hatred, hissing, cussing or pointing fingers to other people in my life. Nor do I have the right to judge anyone. I only have a few friends that I hold dear to my heart. For the most part, everyone else are just acquaintances. I too was subject to just liking or hating someone because another acquaitance of mine liked or hated them. It's just wrong. I am adult and I can make my own decisions about who people are. If an acquaintance of mine has a problem with me not following their steed, well I guess they have some growing up to do. Factions, groups, cliques are really just immature, passe, and a waste of my time.

Poor Horsies

Yesterday as I was driving down Metlars Lane near my job, I noticed 2 beautiful horses, one black the other cream-colored, standing very close to the side of the road. There is a horse ranch right up the road, so I assumed they got loose. I called the Piscataway police department who already knew about them being loose. I hope they're ok. :(

2003-08-05T17:22:00.000-04:00

No Cutting!

I went to my second opinion yesterday and what he told me was totally opposite from what the first doctor told me to do. This doctor said the best thing for me to do are the following:
* Lose weight - easier said than done. He said that it's like dropping a suitcase and it will relieve pressure off my spine.
* Strengthen my stomach muscles - He wants me to have the strongest spine ever. Stronger than most average people, and giving myself a Samantha Jones washboard stomach is something I am determined to do.
* Physical therapy 3 times a week for a month.
* Cut out all the stress in my life. He claims it constricts blood going to my spine, just like a headache does since it constricts blood to the brain. Easier said than done.
* Buy a bicycle and ride around town. Now this I can do.
* Buy a Tempur Pedic bed. So comfy!

If I do all those things I will not have to get surgery! Weee! There is a tiny tiny chance that none of these things will work and that I will need surgery. But for now, I'll try anything to avoid the knife.

2003-07-30T12:07:00.000-04:00

A Pain In The Back

I went to a neurosurgeon for my severe back pain. Yep I need a posterior lumbar interbody fusion surgery. Sounds fun eh? Well that means I get to be on disability and stay home for like 3 months. The hysteria begins yet again. I was trapped in my house for 3 months for my last back surgery. Torture, such torture.

Chef Li

Here's the menu for the family BBQ we're throwing on Aug 16th before my gramps goes off to surgery on Aug 27th:

Tomato Bruschetta

Red-Skinned Potato Salad

Macaroni and Shrimp Salad

Marinated Beef-Cubed Skewers With Green, Red, and Yellow Peppers and Onions

Honey Mustard and Red Onion BBQ Chicken

Honey Teriyaki Chicken With Ripe Pineapple Spears

Grilled Jumbo Shrimp and Gazpacho Roll-ups

Hamburgers and Hot Dogs

Coconut and Strawberry Ice Cream Pie With Chocolate Dipped Strawberries

Mommy's Fruit Watermelon Basket Salad

I'm going to sport the hat and apron, but I'll leave the "Bam!" under my bed.

2003-07-22T09:41:00.000-04:00

Kickin' It Old Skool

My tivo decided to suggest to me Box Office Bio on Matthew Broderick, so I said what the hell? I just finished Sex In The City so I figured I might as well watch Carrie's other half. So whatever, I watch his whole life story. I'm starting to get turned on when they show clips of him in 1988's Biloxi Blues. I tried to stop myself but couldn't. Then fast forward 4 hours later I wake up at 3AM all hot and sweaty from a dream. I was having sweet passionate sex with 1988 Matthew Broderick. There we were rolling around in the naughty and I had his dog chains on. Then all of the sudden Christopher Walken was there and I screamed, "Oh my god it's Christopher Walken!!" and ran out into the street naked. This is when I woke up hot, sweaty, and out of breath. Thank you Mathew Broderick.

2003-07-18T13:26:00.000-04:00

THE SINGLE WOMAN’S 12-STEP GUIDE TO FINDING A GOOD MAN™

This is for all the lovely girls I know who are ridden with angst with just rude and horrible boys, you know who you are. With his permission I borrowed this excellent list that every woman needs from the wonderful Texas T-Bone. All the credit is his so please respect the man. His wife is a very lucky lady! So please read on and always tuck it away in your mind whenever you need enlightenment.

1. Moderation is the key to just about everything, except his love for you. He should be addicted to you without being obsessive. Don’t settle for less.

2. Sensitive men care about what you think. Overly sensitive men care about only what their mommies think. Unsensitive men don’t care about anything but themselves. See No. 1.

3. Never trust a man who has had more than 20 serious relationships. Also, never trust a man who makes sweeping generalizations and is willing to list specific numbers. See No. 1.

4. Never use sex as a weapon. It is not a toy. That means not too much and not too little. Must be the right amount, frequency and quality. You may think it is not important, but it is. You also may think it is too important, but it’s not. A healthy romantic relationship requires sex. Period. See No. 1.

5. Don’t be interested in his past. Don’t talk about yours. Your pasts have made you who you are, and that’s enough.

6. When looking for a serious boyfriend (or possibly a husband), make sure your intended is your best friend. Doesn’t necessarily have to happen before you fall in love, but it has to happen before you are committed. The alternative is an eventual, disastrous breakup. Again.

7. Never pursue someone seriously if the allure is created by looks, strength or money. Just as they do for you ladies, all fade over time and sometimes disappear. Then you’re left alone with a jerk.

8. Don’t look for lasting love in a bar. If it finds you there, great; let it come to you. If you look up the word “disappointment” in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of an empty beer mug (or other vessel for alcoholic beverage).

9. Dating, like paying rent, is not a waste. It helps you find out what you want before you are ready to settle down. When the time is right, and you’ve found the right investment, start making mortgage payments on a joyful life. In the meantime, go out and have some fun! Go out. Kiss. Have sex (safely, children). Listen to loud music. Play the field. But always be true to yourself. Don’t play games. Be honest with everyone – especially yourself – that you’re not looking to buy just yet.

10. Don’t be afraid of being single. Embrace it as a time to do whatever you want. A committed relationship will force you to give a little of that up, although you will gladly do it with the right guy. You are woman! Let them hear you roar! See No. 9 if you get bored. But don’t be afraid of being single forever, if that’s the road you choose. You don’t need a man to be a complete woman.

11. It’s easy to say “all the good ones are taken.” However, that comment really only refers to the “good ones” you know about. Also, and I’ll say this carefully: to find a good man, you’ve got to be a good woman. Finding it hard to find a good man doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not a good one, though. You’re just in the wrong places at the wrong times. See No. 8.

12. Relax. Be yourself. It takes two people to play a game. Don’t let it come to that. See Nos. 4 and 10 (heck, just reread all of them). Don't settle. A good man would never settle.

Which brings us to this ...

FOR THE GUYS™

These are a few ways to be a good man who is worthy of a good woman:

1. Give her the respect she deserves. Not more. Not less.

2. Don’t ever compare your woman to anyone else in any way. Ever.

3. Important: talk to her. More important: shut up and listen.

4. If you keep secrets, make sure they are about little, stupid things she won’t care about when she finds out about them. And she will find out about them.

5. Don’t be afraid to be single or simply date for fun. Just be true to yourself and the ones you date. See No. 7 below.

6. If you want a good woman, give up some of your toys. If it is something that will burn, rust or rot, it has far less value than a good woman. It’s all about priorities. Juggling is not a viable option. Toys are for kids.

7. Don’t cheat. And furthermore: don’t cheat. If you want a good woman, you owe it to yourself and her to be a one-woman man. If you are playing the field, be honest about that. No stringing along. No lies. Don’t be a jerk.

8. Nobody has ever won an argument. Nobody.

9. Don’t expect oral pleasure if you aren’t willing to pay the piper. Trust me, it is fun and rewarding for all parties involved. This holds true for taking out the garbage and other assorted duties you and your penis are expected to endure. You get to pee standing up, so you get to do a few chores.

10. Don’t be an asshole. You suck, but you don’t have to suck and be an asshole, too. See Nos. 1-9.

2003-07-18T10:27:00.000-04:00

My Fancy Appointment Book

There's so much stuff going on in August that I need to use you guys as my personal assistant. Yes, I want to be fancy and schmancy and have one. Preferably gay. Here goes:

Friday 7/18: Pay day....Woo!
Saturday 7/19: No work and Atlantic City with the family and Gramps!
Friday 7/25: Dr. Lee Neurosurgeon appt. 2:30pm Bring all MRI's and reports.
Saturday 7/26: No work wooo!
Friday 8/1: Get iPod and gameboy from Louis. Deposit money.
Saturday 8/2: Work....ew. But yay because I'm taking a 1:05pm train to Boston to hang with my girls!
Sunday 8/3: Taking the 3pm train back home....poop.
Saturday 8/9: No work and going out with my cousin Michelle.
Sunday 8/10: Going to my cousin Patti's graduation party.
Saturday 8/16: Work....ugh.
Monday 8/18: Dr. Strauch appt. 4pm, leaving work at 3:30pm
Friday 8/22: Aunt Kathy's show
Saturday 8/23: Work....poops again, but possible KSJ action!
Sunday 8/24: Elizabeth Arden aromatherapy massage with Gwen at 1pm......tres yay!
Saturday 8/30: No work and spending the weekend with my Louis, he'll be coming back from Lake George early to go to his college orientation.........everyone say AWWW how cute.

As you can see, I'm going to be a busy bee. Now it is your duty to keep me abreast of all my appointments. If not I'll dial #77 to report your unaggressiveness.

2003-07-15T13:11:00.000-04:00

Swiffer Debate

I was using the Swiffer yesterday on my kitchen floor. So I told my Louis that I was "swiffering" the floor. Well he went hysterical and said I just created a new verb "swiffering". He said who on earth would use the term "swiffering" when using the Swiffer? I said EVERYONE. Anyone that uses the Swiffer without a doubt says they are "swiffering." Although I do find it hard to use it in past tense like, "I swiffed the floor yesterday." So in present tense my arguement is that most people say, "I'm swiffering the floor" instead of, "I mopped the floor with my Swiffer." I would like the general consensus here on my new verb, 'cuase I'm so swiff.

Grandpa Update

Things are looking good. Last week a surgeon told him he would have a 95% survival rate if they removed the tumor. The only thing holding him back is his horribly low blood count. They talked about removing his spleen to bring his count up, along with that he's getting weekly blood transfusions and Procrit shots. Tomorrow he has an appointment with a radiologist oncologist so we'll see.

Swiffer Debate Update

Take a looky here at the Swiffer webpage. Guess I'm RIGHT.

Oh yeah Louis in your face.

2003-07-11T10:24:00.000-04:00

.Smooth

I'm sleeping on brand new 400 thread count Wamsutta luxury cotton sheets. It's like sleeping on a baby's ass. It's so soft and sexy. Don't you ever just stare at your bed and wonder the fact of just HOW much you love your bed?

Grandpa Update

Grandpa went to Philadelphia yesterday to see the oncologist surgeon. It looks good. They are saying the chances of him living after removing the tumor are good. The only problem holding him back from surgery is his low blood count. He's seeing a blood specialist in a couple of days. They're saying they might remove his spleen first before removing the throat tumor. They say removing the spleen will help his blood count go up. Then they can go in and remove the tumor. It's really fascinating how the body works.

She's A Hawtie With A Date

Good luck my Gwen! I hope you have lots of fun! I have good vibes about all of this. Eeeeeeeee!!!! :::doing the happy dance:::

Seminar Weekend

Today, tomorrow and Sunday from 1 to 5 I have an OB/GYN seminar to help me prepare to take my test in August. It'll be so much fun learning about chooch diseases at the Sheraton @ Newark Airport. Classy I tell ya.

2003-07-09T12:42:00.000-04:00

Cancer Blows

Before I left for vacation I found out that my grandpa has throat cancer. Now my grandpa looks and sounds healthy as ever so it's been hard accepting it. He went to the ER for chest pain, they did a few tests and blood work then sent him back home with the blood work results. Next day he went to his regular doctor. The doctor was standing there in utter disbelief and shock when he read the blood work results that my grandpa handed to him. He told my grandpa to go right back to the hospital to be admitted because his blood cell count was dangerously low, which meant he was bleeding internally from somewhere. So back in the hospital they do all sorts of tests and find that he has stage 3 throat cancer (stage 4 you're dead). He also has dysplasia, a disease that makes your blood cell count very low. With all of this happening, he sounds fine, looks great (with the exception of losing weight) and is in good spirits.

His options are either surgery to remove the tumor in his throat (which by the way, he doesn't even feel it in his throat, has no trouble swallowing or eating, and isn't spitting up blood), or get chemo/radiation. They opted out of surgery because his cell count is so low and plus he has emphysema due to 50 years of smoking good ole' Lucky Strikes. So in about 2 weeks or so, he's headed to the University of Penn and their hospital to receive chemo/radiation. The following is an excerpt from my Aunt's email keeping evryone up to date with everything that's going on:

Hello Everyone,

I just got off the phone with Maureen and found out about dad's doctor visit.
Dad will start chemo and radiation treatments after he comes back from the
doctor's visit at the Univeristy of Penn with the surgeon.

Unfortunately, Carol asked the doctor, in front of dad, how long will dad
survive with chemo/radiation. The doctor was not happy that she asked this
question and said that he did not want to answer her. Dad then had to leave the
room to get a Procrit shot to help his blood cell count and the doctor came
into the room with only Carol and Maureen and said that dad will have only 6 - 9
months to live with chemo/radiation. The doctor said that dad's problem with
his blood count (dysplasia) is very bad too. It does not look good. I am
just upset because dad knew something was wrong when the doctor closed the door
and only talked with Maureen and Carol about it. This was not right. If dad
wanted to ask the doctor about how long he will live - that is dad's decision
- not our decision to ask. I did talk with dad tonight and his voice sounded
sad. That is exactly why the doctor would not have told him. Do you all
realize that a person with cancer needs to be strong and think positive. Dad did
not need to know nor did he want to know or else he would have asked himself.
Dad is capable of asking such an important question. Dad did ask the doctor
what would happen if he did not get any treatment and the doctor said you will
survive only 3-6 months. When dad heard that , he knew he did not want to
ask how long he had left to live after hearing that. That was dad's decision -
not anybody else's.

I was shocked as all hell when I heard that my Aunt Carol had the audacity to ask such a question like that in front of my grandpa. I mean who would want to know that kind of information about themselves? If that was me, I certainly wouldn't want to know how long I had left to live. So for the next 6 months it's going to be rough, but I'm going to make sure I'm spending as much time with him as I can. On the 19th we're all taking him to Atlantic City so that'll be fun for him. Oh and last week I called him up to see how he was doing and he was like, "Oh things are good here, I'm just sitting here having a beer and relaxing." Now that's just funny.

I Love My Gwenny

Last night I hung out with one of my most favorite people, my Gwenny! We had so much fun conversing and laughing over yummy sushi. Then we walked down the stuffy and snazzy street of Greenwich Avenue (she pointed out a lot of stuff in Greenwich like her old elementary school, her job, the yachts, the cool 17-year old hangout spot, all of which is in a very very nice and EXPENSIVE town) to a bar for a brewski. I missed my Gwen so much and it was great to see her!

2003-07-07T12:52:00.000-04:00

Lazy and Sick Weekend

After the madness of the vacation hustle, I nestled in for the long, relaxing and much deserved lazy weekend. I wasn't going to party anywhere. Well I had no choice in the matter because the morning of the 4th I woke up with the worst chest cold/congested head/sore throat ever. Thursday night I went to the mall and did what I do best: shop. Not for myself though. I bought Tempur-pedic slippers at Brookstone for Lou's mom and also I bought tons of stuff from Bath and Body Works for her birthday. I'm such a good future daughter-in-law. I also bought his sister Patti a baby blueBebe shirt as a congrats for passing the regents. I guess I'm just good like that. I always go crazy buying gifts but hardly buy anything for myself.

The rest of the weekend was just relaxin' and maxin' with mah bebe. We watched plenty Blackadder and did NOTHING. It was delightful. Although we did have to venture out for a little bit Saturday to Westchester Mall to buy his mom a spa package. Nothing is better than making fun of a 6'2" 18-year old boy carrying a mixture of 12 mylar and latex balloons thoughout the mall. Oh and lemon coolattas rule for sore throats!

The blissful ending to my weekend was spending about 3 hours last night just wading in my pool. The pool thermometer read 90 degrees. It was fucking heaven.

2003-07-03T15:55:00.000-04:00

I'm Back!! I Know You All Are Excited.....Please Try To Contain Yourselves....

It's good to be back. Although I wouldn't mind another 2 weeks in Disney since it flew by too fast. Disney all in all, was GREAT. I'll let my other half give you all the nitty gritty on our 2 week rendevous. I'm sure he will include how the Holiday Inn Express at Universal put us in a room that reeked of urine (human and cat) in which they were trying to dry out with a floor dryer, and how they switched us to another room full of centipedes. Plus I'm sure he'll fill you in about the entourage of enormously obese people on those scooters you see at amusement parks we saw in line at the 3D Terminator ride at Universal.

It was beautiful weather, despite the first few days we looked like fools in yellow Mickey ponchos during the torrential downpour. I'm a wonderful shade of tan and I couldn't be happier. Plus I am now the proud co-owner of Unit 75 at Disney's Beach Club Villas for the next 34 years. So I will be looking forward to heavenly bliss in my jacuzzi each and every year all over the world.

On a more patriotic note, Happy Fucking 4th.

2003-06-12T12:26:00.000-04:00

Random LFJness

I'm in the midst of opening up our pool for the summer. It's our first summer opening the pool, we purchased it late August last year and it's been somewhat cumbersome. But I am proud of my chemical mixing skills because the pool is looking sparkling clear. So I'll be floating on my raft with an appletini in hand and my laptop in my lap. Ahh the life.

Speaking of laptops, I'm so happy I finally got mine back. My dad *stole* from me for two days straight. Work was murder without it. I really do love all you people.

One week from TODAY I will be in Disney!! I can't wait to report back on it!

In other news it is Boz's birthday today! Make sure you go over there and give him some birthday smacks on his black satin pajama bum.

2003-06-08T20:24:00.000-04:00

That Test Was SO Mine

Passing score: 83. Someone ~~passed~~ passed with flying colours with a 94. Who might you ask? Yes that's right. Not only did I pass, but I OWN all physics board exams by getting a 94!!!!!

I walked into the testing center and had Rosie Perez and Queen Latifah at the front test welcoming me for death by physics strangulation. So Queen Latifah brought me into the testing area and settled me in. About ten minutes into the test I was freaking out. I was in a panic frenzy, meanwhile all around me there were others taking exams such as Real Estate or GEDs. Fuck them all for being noisy and annoying. Inconsiderate bastards. Especially Queen Latifah being the noisest each time she brought a person into the room. But I guess people of her stature don't know how to whisper. I turned around and threw my hand up in the air and started going off silently. She walked over to me and said loudly "you know these earplugs are for your use if you need them." What a big fatty fatterton bitch. Anyhoo, I passed. I rule. So you guys ready for some sour patch kids and twizzlers?

Oh and I just wanted to point out how much my Princey rawks. In celebration of my fantastic test-taking skills, he took me out shopping and bought me a $150.00 Sephora gift card (my favourite store ever), this kick-ass 3.1 mp digital camera (it's as big as three quarters!), these ass kickin' blue suede with orange stripes Sketchers sneaks and these groovy rainbow sandals (in black not in white like in the pic). He makes me sooooo happy and I love him so much!!!!! Thank you for everything my love.

2003-06-04T15:22:00.000-04:00

Test Hiatus

I'll be gone for the next few nerve-wracking days. It's pre-physics exam time and it's gettin' down to the nitty gritty. If I don't pass the exam Saturday, I will run into the testing center with my hockey mask and chainsaw looking for some blood. I will raise all hell to the mothabitches. I will force-feed black jellybeans down their throats. If I pass, twizzlers and sour patch kids for everyone!

Don't miss me too much and please cross your 6th finger for me. If you don't have one, well cross your eyes for me. Really. Do it.

2003-06-02T14:08:00.000-04:00

Straight and Shiny Happy

Friday I went to a hair salon in Queens with Lou's sister Patti to get our hair permanently straightened. We walk into this 10 foot by 10 foot room. Now when I tell you it was packed, there had to have been at least 25 people squeezed into this tiny establishment. I can't forget to tell you about the white cat with blue eyes roaming in and out of the salon, which was run by Asians. I'm surprised the cat has the run of the place and hasn't landed in their sushi rolls yet. Which they were eating while twirling my hair.

Our appointment was 3:00 and they didn't start Patti's hair until 4:30. We didn't leave the place until 9:00. Yes that's right folks, 9:00! In the middle of it all, a tall Spanish guy walked into the salon and started cursing out one of the Spanish girls washing hair. It was entertaining to say the least. The whole process consisted of washing our hair 3 times, sitting with goop in our hair for 55 minutes, then ironing our hair straight. I'm going to be bald by the time I'm 30. Well at least I won't have to worry about straightening my hair every morning, which can be a process of an hour. So, for the next 6 months I will be a straight-haired princess livin' it up.

Countdown To When I Will Wish Upon A Star
That's right kids! 17 more days until I'm in Mickey Heaven for a whole week! Make a list now of who wants what, and no I will not bring back Goofy's tooth.

Physics Horror
This coming Saturday I'm taking my dreaded, but very important Physics and Instrumentation exam as phase one to becoming LFJ, RDMS Registered Diagnostic Medical Sonographer. Snazzy eh? I've already failed it twice, each exam costing me $200.00 with a waiting time of 90 days as to when I'm allowed to sit for the exam again. They want me to fail, those medical arse faggots so they can take my money. Well LFJ is not going to fail again!!!!!!!!

2003-05-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

I'm So Sick Of Water

I'd say for the past month, 26 out of 30 days it has rained consistently. I'm talking pouring rain. I haven't seen the sun in about 23 days. It has ruined so many things. Last weekend it was cold and raining like a motherbitch at Seaside with Gwen. We still had a hella good time but we didn't get to do much stuff on the boardwalk, since it was boarded up like as if we were there in November.

Then today, Lou and I had plans to go to Six Flags Great Adventure and guess what? No. Really. Guess. Rain. ~~Pouring~~ torrential downfall. What. The. Fuck?

It's also been cold too. It's almost June and it hasn't been over 60 degrees in almost a month. I remember the beginning of April it reached 90 degrees for two days. Global warming has had opposite affects I take it. Well that just sucks.

Who can show me the sun dance? The hot weather dance even.

2003-05-27T15:04:00.000-04:00

You'll Fall In Love With Eric, Harvey, Bill, Jack and Roberta

Eric

Harvey

Bill

Jack

Roberta

With my luvie Prince I watched Cinemania, a documentary on the Trio Channel. What I'm about to blog is a spoiler so if you're interested in seeing it without my two cents, don't read on. If you don't care, then read my two cents you fucks.

It's a documentary about five people that live in New York City and have an intense passion for movies. They are obsessed movie buffs. They live and die for movies. Their condition is known as cinephilia, which is an intense obsession with movies. Most of these movies aren't your run-of-the-mill General Cinema movies, but more artsy-fartsy independant films, foreign films, and black and whites. They spend every moment they can in movie theaters. These people see about 600-2,000 films a year. They know movie schedules by heart. They travel the subways and time it perfectly from one theater to the next. They avoid certain foods during the day to avoid going to the bathroom because that would take away from movie time. How do they afford it you ask? Roberta, Harvey, and Eric collect disability, Jack lives off his inheritance from a deceased aunt, and Bill collects unemployment.

Bill makes peanut butter sandwiches for his lunch everyday and packs it along with books, a sweater and pills for all sorts of ailments in his artsy fartsy bag. Bill has avoided getting a "real" job like being a lawyer because he's afraid it will take away from his movie time. He's even prescribed to an online dating service in search of someone that shares the love of film like he does.

Roberta has collected every stub of every movie she's been to since 1950, when she claimed she fell in love with movies. She also has collected every movie brochure and pamphlet along the way. She showed the documentary camera all of the Jurassic Park rare plastic cups she has collected. Even a small bottle of water from a movie titled "Water" that she has seen. She once almost choked a girl to death because the girl ripped her movie stub in half and we all know how she treasures her stubs.

Jack dodges weddings, funerals, visiting family in the hospital, and any other activity so that he will not miss a movie. He even proclaims films to be "better than sex" and "better than love." Jack showed us his 30 or so pages of ledger paper listed front and back of every movie he's seen since 1986. He claims in a one month period, he saw 1000 movies. It's also really strange to see Jack change throughout the documentary. At one point of the footage, he has a beard, it’s shaven off at another point, and during a few parts, there’s shaving stubble. His hair is also long and short throughout the film too. If anyone ruins his movie "experience" eating popcorn or candy loudly around him, he discloses that he has no problem going up to that person and beating the shit out of them. He also made it very clear that if he could kill them he would, but he knows that when the movie's over, "they'll" be waiting to take him away. Hey at least they'll be kind enough to wait until the movie's over.

Harvey, another buff, can recite how long each movie is from memory. Throw any movie in his face and he'll tell you how long it is to the MINUTE. He also is fascinated with movie start times, and how they can be a minute off or even 20 minutes off.

We don't know too much of Eric because he didn't speak much throughout the film.

In the end the five of them are sitting in a theater together watching their own movie. The movie about their obsessed habits and crazy mundane lives. I was waiting for them to kill themselves or a riot even. That would have been sweet.

You can catch Cinemania (running time 1:20) at Cinema Village, 22 East 12th Street (212)924-3362 today, tomorrow and Thursday at 1:30pm, 3:20pm, 5:10pm, and 7:00pm, where you can also catch Gigantic: A Tale Of Two Johns. You just might run into Eric, Harvey, Bill, Jack and Roberta. That would even be sweeter.

2003-05-23T15:28:00.000-04:00

Get This Party Started

As Pink would say:

Pumpin up the volume, breakin down' to the beat
Cruisin' through the west side
We'll be checkin' the scene
Boulevard is freakin' as I'm comin' up fast
I'll be burnin' rubber, you'll be kissin' my ass
Pull up to the bumper, get out of the car
License plate says Stunner #1 Superstar

I'm comin' up so you better you better get this party started
I'm comin' up so you better you better get this party started
Get this party started

This weekend's gonna rawk hard with my Gwen!
Flashin' some bling-bling and hangin' out on the Boardwalk. Too bad MTV won't be in Seaside Heights this summer. They're missing out on some hawt chickies.

2003-05-22T15:12:00.000-04:00

It's A Fucking Shitty Day, I Deserve A Sappy Post

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well then close your eyes and try
To feel the way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well you came in loving me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Oh and then for the times when we're apart
Well then close your eyes and know
The words are coming from my heart
And then if you can remember

Thanks, Dionne, Elton and Stevie. You were needed today.

2003-05-21T10:56:00.000-04:00

Furry Fury Update Part Deux

At 6:30 this morning my dad wakes me up to tell me something is in the trap!! Yay, finally the rodent is caught! Ha Ha we got him! So I'm still in bed, and my dad goes out there to check and look at it. My dad comes back and sadly informs us it's a cat!!!!!!!! I freaked out. I felt so bad. The poor thing just trapped inside the cage nowhere to go in this rain. I refused to go out there and look at it. Thankfully it didn't have an ID tag so it's most likely a stray cat, which we have a few of those in our neighbourhood. Still, I was heart-broken and sad especially since the exterminator place doesn't open until 8:30AM and the poor thing was going to be stuck for a few more hours in this rain. I wanted so bad to just let the cat loose myself but I just couldn't bear going back there and looking at it so frightened. I called the exterminators exactly at 8:31 and frantically told them to come ASAP and let this poor kitty loose. My mom said they came in like 20 minutes and let the cat loose. According to New Jersey laws they can't touch or take away domesticated animals, only wildlife. So he just let it go. Poor kitty. I'm sure it'll stay away from our backyard forever. In the meantime, he set up a BIGGER trap. God I hope we don't catch a stray dog.

2003-05-19T13:08:00.000-04:00

Furry Fury Update

Well this morning we discovered the trail of sardines into the trap was gone, EXCEPT for one sardine ~~conveniently~~ left inside the trap. Smart furry fucker.

Do I Look Like A 22 Year-Old's Aunt?

After we went to the Palisades Mall for dinner at Stir Crazy and some shopping, (which might I add I got a stokin' pair of pants at JC Penny's for $5.97! I didn't know this until I was trying them on and realized one button was missing. Who needs it when you have two already.) we stopped at CVS so I could pick up tampons, yes tampons. So we get my tampons and get into line. The guy at the counter is the same guy every time we're in there and he always has some wise-crack waiting for each customer. I guess if I were working at CVS 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, I'd be a wise-ass also. He rings up the tampons and anti-bacterial handwash and asks us if we have a CVS card. Louis pointed at me and said she has one. The CVS guy then proceeds to ask, "Is she your wife?" "Not yet", Louis says. I guess the CVS guy didn't quite understand what Louis said, because he then asked "Is she your aunt?" I laughed and said to the guy, "Are you kidding?! He's older than me!"

I gave Louis the dirtiest look and we both chuckled.

Birthday Cheers

Happy birthday to my mah bebe. I love you.

Happy Birthday Lou-ta. She wants to make bubbles and take a bath with you, minus Seita of course.

2003-05-16T15:12:00.000-04:00

A Case Of Furry Fury

This morning around 7AM I'm sleeping as usual barely awake knowing that my alarm will go off in 10 minutes when I hear my dog barking loudly outside in our small, fenced, suburbia backyard and then a LOUD shriek. I mean a deafening, piercing shriek. Groggy-eyed, I get up and look out the window down to the shed where Teddi has her head almost completely under the shed (it's held up on concrete blocks because of some stupid town regulation). The next minute my dad calls Teddi to come back in but of course she's paying no mind to coming back in the house. Finally my dad manages to get her inside. I look outside my window again, lo and behold, a head peeped out from under the shed. I didn't have my glasses on so it was kinda blurry. I ran downstairs to tell my dad to look and see what the fuck this thing was. So we all go to the window and now it's completely out from under the shed. The best description is that it's BIG, WHITE, SCRAGGLY, and DIRTY. We all freaked out. We tried to figure out what it was. A groundhog, a possum, or even a dirty white poodle?!?!?

All this is going on and I have 40 minutes to get to work and I haven't even showered yet. So I get in the shower fast and run to work. I do my first patient of the day and run back home. No sightings since the first big one. We had to get rid of whatever that thing was because Teddi always goes in the backyard. So I call the police, they direct me to the Humane Society. Humane Society then directs me to an exterminator. At this point they think from our ugly description that it's a possum. Turns out we have to fork out $225.00 for them to set a trap near the shed were we saw the creature, and our fence where we discovered a hole where this creature dug to get under the fence. Smart BIG furry thing. Oh and they informed us that if there are any babies under the shed, they can only remove the mother and not the babies. They can't even touch them! I would have to call NJ Wildlife and they would have to come in and remove them safely. Please, aint that an OXYMORON; NJ Wildlife. Anyhoo, at this moment we have a trap set up with a trail of sardines leading to inside the trap. Either we're going to catch some kittens or it's going to be smart and eat every piece of sardine in the trail EXCEPT the one in the trap. Well I certainly hope possums or even groundhogs have an appetite for canned fish. In the meantime, we're just sitting. Waiting. Hoping. With a broomstick in each hand.

2003-05-14T18:19:00.000-04:00

To Be Continued

I'll be gone most likely til Friday. But I'll be back. Bigger. Blacker. Better. Stay tuned.

2003-05-12T20:49:00.000-04:00

My Life Is Fantastic

I had such a great weekend. Before we ventured into the city to see Bill Maher, we stopped at Menlo Park Mall so that Louis could get a haircut and an outfit. They were both desparately needed since he was super shaggy and he had 2 grease spots on his pants. So we go into the hair place and the guy asks me what to do to him. I said "Give him style! Some wax and gel and we're set." So he gets out of his chair, pays and we walk into the mall. I looked over at him and holy shit I nearly melted to my knees. I don't know what that guy did with his scissors but he transformed my boyfriend into a major major HAWT boy. Not that he isn't HAWT, but he never really had "that" haircut that GOT to me. So then we go get him an outfit and it just completed the HAWT picture. I wished I had a camera.

So we get into Manhattan and we go up the Empire State Building. Yeah it was boring, but now I can say I was there, big deal. Then we go to dinner at Ben Benson's. Delish as expected, not to mention the 2 glasses of merlot I had that completely got me giddy since I don't drink anymore. It was even better because there was a table of four old men in front of us. Not just old men, but old CUTE men. Not cute like HAWT, but cute like awwwww pinch his cheeks cute. If I had one more glass of merlot, I think I would have. Bill Maher was hilarious. It's a shame the show is running for a short time. I could have done without the obnoxious loud chick behind me laughing at EVERY little thing that came out of his mouth and the "He's so right!" after every annoying cackle.

I cooked for my Mommy and made a Tomato-Basil Bruschetta as an appetizer, a nice romaine salad with crumbled gorgonzola cheese and sweet balsamic vinegar, Tuscan-Grilled Tuna Steaks, Sesame Noodles, and a nice Cherry Pudding Cake. Yummy! I can cook!

2003-05-09T19:17:00.000-04:00

Tri-State Area Manhattan Tourist

Tomorrow I'm taking my Delicious boyfriend into Manhattan to see Bill Maher's Victory Begins At Home on Broadway for his birthday. We're also going to have dinner at Ben Benson's Steakhouse. Now being that we always go into the city for certain things like meeting up friends at bars and such, I've never really gotten to "tour" the city that I live 22 minutes from. So I suggested that we do a bit of sight-seeing. Perhaps go up the Empire State Building (Weird coincidence I did the same thing with my parents, we did a Manhattan day and went up the World Trade Center for the first time on August 26, 2001. Creepy.), go to Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum, the Museum of Natural History or even a helicopter ride that you can do right off the West Side Highway next to the Intrepid. I mean even a walk in the Village can be exciting. Now I know what you're thinking; really fucking cheesy right? Well I dunno, I guess when I was younger I just never had interest in any of it so I just never got around to it.

So I'm reaching out with my clean hand for support. Does anyone have any suggestions on anything exciting to see or do while we're there? Besides drink apple-tinis of course.

2003-05-07T14:57:00.000-04:00

Wow I must be a bad person, even if I am Jesus. I was banished to the Eigth level of Hell. I hope they're nice to me, yanno, since I am Jesus and stuff. And let me add, pimpin' is the way to be.
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

2003-05-01T23:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the blinding background. I know you all miss the baby peesh. It will be back soon, with the help of one of my bestest girlies, Tina!

2003-04-30T19:52:00.000-04:00

The Vagina Probe-ologues

I never talk about work but today I just have to. For those that don't know or haven't figured out by my "well-hung" wallpaper background, I am an ultrasound tech. I get a call today from a patient who wants to ask about the trans-vaginal probe we use for vaginal ultrasounds. I pick up the phone and she proceeded to ask me these questions:

chick on the phone: Hi. I have a few questions about your vaginal probe. My doctor wants me to have a vaginal ultrasound. I've had them before and it wasn't a pleasant experience. I just wanted to know if the probe you use is square or round at the tip?
me: It's rounded.
cotp: Ok that's good. Also is it about 3/4 of an inch thick? Because anything over 1 inch I can't handle.
me: Well I've really never measured it but by visualizing it, it looks to be less than an inch.
cotp: Ok great. One more thing. How long would you say the probe is? Because anything more than 5 inches I wouldn't be able to go through with the exam.
me: (at this point I was thinking she's either a virgin or sometimes certain religious people have to turn down these tests for religious beliefs) Well I know the part that is inserted is probably 5 to 6 inches. But again ma'am, I'm really not sure because I've never measured it.
cotp: (laughing nervously) Thank you so much for your help. I'll call back and schedule an appointment.

I hung up and everyone in the office just rolled on the floor. I was beat red. Now I perform all types of tests, like scrotals, vaginals, etc. I've seen it all. But for some reason, this was really embarrassing me. Now I'm just *dying* to meet her. I'll let all of you know the results of the wacky lady with a fear of vaginal probes. Believe me I don't like doing them, nevermind being on the receiving end.

2003-04-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

Dish Droppings

So I lay down late last night to catch up on my shows that are on my Tivo 2. Shows such as Six Feet Under, Trigger Happy TV, and Adult Swim. I plop on the TV power and for a quick second I switch to "Live TV" before I watched my taped shows. For some odd reason there's no "Live TV." My Tivo 2 is a DIRECTV receiver, so that means I have satellite TV right? Well in theory yes, but last night my dish decided to give me headaches. I pull the power cord from the receiver a few times, plop it back on. No satellite signal. After about 45 minutes of frustration I was ready to throw the box out of the window. So this morning I turned on the TV figuring that it resolved itself overnight. No. Of course not. That would be too easy. As I was leaving to go to work, I looked up at the dish on my roof and noticed an obscene amount of bird shit on the dish. Great. So a nice little bluejay decided to drop its load on my parade. I got to work and called 1-800-DIRECTV bitching that if Six Feet Under didn't tape, someone's mother in technical support was going to pay BIG time. They gave me the run-around as usual, so after work today I tried it again. Still. Nothing. I called my boyfriend up crying. Fast forward a few hours later, and he's here trying to fix the problem. He happens to mention to me the enormous amount of bird feces on the dish. So I really wasn't seeing things. He ended up calling the evil 1-800-DIRECTV and explaining the problem to them. Somehow because he's cool, calm and collected, he manages to get me an extended warranty and a free service call. I could have never done that if I had called myself. Hopefully by Saturday my dish will be poop-free and Family Guy and Futurama can shine on through.

2003-04-28T21:10:00.000-04:00

Too Much Informacion....Like Stuffing Three Slices Of Pizza Down Your Throat At Once

Being that I have all these delicious people on my blog links, I don't have time to post anymore. I'm not complaining or saying it's a bad thing, but just an excuse for my lack thereof. I've been reading and commenting now for about 3 hours. My mind is swirling with this one's post about shit and science mixed in with moans coming from above a nice restaurant. My mind is fun-filled mush right now. Plus add in the annoying "LISA!!!!! COME DOWN HERE!!!" because there is company to say hi to and chit-chat incessantly about nothing.

Oh and did I mention that I LOVE adding new peeps to my links?

2003-04-25T19:23:00.000-04:00

Feminine Geekness

I can't stop the madness anymore. More and more each day I revel in the mindset of being nerdy. I was reading an article about Apple's new music service and the new iPod's that are coming out this Monday. I'm stoked. I'm so stoked. Even more stoking is the shocking revelation in the article that Steve Jobs is also CEO of Pixar. I can't believe I didn't know this before (yes I was at one point hiding under a rock in Nicaragua.....no I'm not Nicaraguan either). Whenever I think of Pixar, I get all giddy. It's just delight in the purest form. It's crack in the cartoon form. So when I found out that the two favorite nerdy things in my life are headed by the same man, I nearly lost it. I mean come on, how nerdy is that? I even named my brand new superdrive iMac "Pixie" after Pixar's folding lamp logo.

It's over folks.

I'm doomed.

I'm officially a geek.

I'm a cute geek. That makes it better.

2003-04-25T00:37:00.000-04:00

Savvy Sushi

I had sushi for lunch today. I've been eating sushi for lunch everyday for about 2 weeks now. It's simply delicious. So being the brave soul I am, I picked up the sushi combo for today. It had the usual tuna, salmon, shrimp, and eel, but there were 2 rolls that had some kind of soy souce and sesame seeds on top of it. I brought it back to my desk and whipped out the chopsticks. I like using them because they're fun and the people in my office look at me like I'm some kind of savvy chick. Anyway, I pick up the sesame roll, put a little wasabi (yum!) on it and dip it into the soy sauce. Well I literally choked. I can't fully describe to you in detail what the sheer horror it tasted like, but it reminded me of bad bad bad fish that you would find laying on a beach on a hot 102 degree, humid day and it was the ONLY thing you have come across that's close to edible while being deserted on an island for 3 months. I quickly spit it out and I came really close to vomiting. The kind of vomit you feel when you happen to see someone else vomit and it creeps up into your throat and you dry heave.

Remind me to never eat the sesame rolls again. What's for lunch tomorrow? I'm thinking sushi. Or some Indian food.

2003-04-21T22:08:00.000-04:00

I have nothing interesting to say today. But I do want to say I hope he fucking rots in hell and dies a slow death. I hope he gets ass-raped in prison and I hope they set his fucking balls on fire. Thank you.

Also please go to Laci's website to send your condolences. I've never posted serious stuff on here but this has touched me tonight, especially after watching her mother's heart-wrenching press conference. It makes me sick to my stomach. Say what you have to say that I'm a dork or whatever, but I don't give a shit. I cried like a baby watching that press conference tonight. I can't even imagine being in her shoes. Un-fucking-believable. Fin.

2003-04-17T20:44:00.000-04:00

GROMIT FOR LIFE
I would just like to announce to the world my relentless love and devotion for Gromit. I think I love Gromit on the same level as I love Strawberry Shortcake; maybe just slightly more. Gromit is the bestest and now I want some Wallace and Gromit DVD's (I'm going to update my Amazon wishlist as we speak).

Oooooo! I want to give Gromit some smooooshy kisses!

2003-04-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

Since I can't comment in Dynamite Diva's blog for some strange reason, I'll post it here. Gwen is such a supah hawtie! *whistle* I love the blue lingerie outfit, but what makes the outfit are the booty-call sunglasses. LOVE! I miss my Gweeny-bear!

I can't wait to smooshie with you.

2003-04-15T21:27:00.000-04:00

Go and show the love for Lemon Fresh Jesus. I promise to rub jelly onto the naughty bits.

2003-04-14T18:17:00.000-04:00

Men In Skirts

I recently watched an episode of The ScreenSavers. and co-host Patrick Norton was wearing a skirt, a kilt to be precise. Throughout the whole show, it was never mentioned. They just went about the show like it was normal business for a man to wear a skirt. Then at the very end, he mentioned that he was promoting a kilt company.

So, okay, a man, possibly Scottish wearing a kilt. No big deal. It's expected right? Well when I went over to Utilikilts.com, I came across some more men wearing skirts. Apparently Mario Lopez, Danny Bonaduce, and Dick Clark are the fashion police and are jumping on the skirt-wearing bandwagon. They're opening up the fashion highway for all men to start wearing skirts.
Here are some more men in skirts:

Army "I hope a missile doesn't go up my" skirt.

We're all gonna get drunk tonight and pee right on our feet.

Oh yeah hike that skirt up a little more.

Greeeeeeoooow....is anyone looking up my skirt?

I do have to admit, it would make for great easy access for us girls if need be.

2003-03-27T23:14:00.000-05:00

CAN'T FORGET ABOUT OOOOOGA

2003-03-27T22:50:00.000-05:00

My Very Public Display Of Affection (and my first attempt at drawing it)

Woo! Such hotties! Wuv you both!

2003-03-26T16:52:00.000-05:00

Sexy Asian Masks

Now how sexy and trendy these masks are? I bet they will be bigger than Swatch watches.

Michael Jackson must be pissed. I bet his next venture into the wierd will be walking around with a foley bag in place. His pee bag would be pretty.

2003-03-18T22:05:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to be quite the bargain shopper. I'm proud of myself. Tonight I went shopping for A Delicious Young Prince's sisters birthday gift. Now mind you she's turning 15 so I kinda had a good idea what 15 year old girls want for their birthday, but I still asked her to make a list for me anyway. On her list were the following (oh and keep in mind my budget was $85.00 because I'm a poor fuck):

CDs:

Good Charlotte
Jennifer Lopez
Kelly Osbourne
Eminem

DVDs:

Life Or Something Like That
My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Jewelry:

A gold cross necklace

Something Else:

Izone Camera
A lava lamp - purple (either glitter or regular)
Beads for doorway - purple

Pier 1:

Tulip Candles-On-A-Stick (Available in bright pink, green and purple - all 3 colors if possible)

Bed:

Isotonic Pillow

Possibilities for a bigger or group gift:

Professionally painted bedroom (if possible sponge painted on the ceiling - purple)
Professionally rugged - purple
A possible Tivo - but still undecided

So I went to chic Target and I bought her the following items:

A 14k gold cross necklace
A purple wooden tulip in a decorative pot
Good Charlotte CD
Purple gift bag with purple and white iridescent tissue paper
Birthday card with a lil' kittie on it like Mr. Boots

All for $60.71. Yeah I'm a chic shopper.
Then I went over to Pier 1 and I got 3 Tulip Candles-On-A-Stick for $3.18. I can feel it baby. Ooooo.
Finally, I trekked over to Spencer's and bought a purple glitter lava lamp for $15.89.
All these cool schnazzy gifts for a total of $79.78!! I am under my budget by $5.22! Paige Davis would be so proud.
Ok so I'm allowed one lame post and here it is. At least I mentioned schnazzy Paige Davis.

2003-03-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

With everyone's blog getting clogged (ok that rhymed and I seriously didn't think it that way) with talks of war, I was thinking the only cure for all this nonsense chatter is none other than:

Who can be better at diplomacy for your mind in these stressful times than Benny Hill? I say we salute our beloved Benny Hill and commend him for all his witty humor. Besides this would do good for the world since he was loved in over 140 countries around the world. That's it! This world needs to get together in an IMAX theater and watch some good ole' Benny Hill(although I'm not sure it would beat listening to Alabamian kids compare trailer parks). It would let Britain off the hook for supporting the US, and even France and Saddam would get a chuckle or two out of it.

2003-03-11T19:51:00.000-05:00

Pure Retard Laser Joy

Tonight after my dinner of chicken stir-fry and rice (which was damn tasty I might add), I discovered the pure joy and fascination of combining Teddi, my St. Bernard and Lab mix with one of those red laser pointer pens. What's better than watching your pet prance around and chomp at an imaginary red light on the wall and floor? Nothing. Maybe I was just being silly and bored? Perhaps. But still. It was hilarious. And it's better than watching CNN talk about how the Air Force tested a 21,000 pound bomb today at Eglin Air Force Base near Fort Walton Beach Florida (I've actually been there before which consisted of a 16 hour Greyhound bus adventure; don't ask) they call the"mother of all bombs". So if you have a pet, you're going to need a red laser pointer thingy. It will provide you hours of delightful, hysterical laughter. It's good for the soul, just don't do it after 300 sit-ups, your stomach muscles will hate you.

2003-03-06T22:48:00.000-05:00

"The Luminous Teeth Stealing Green and Pink Fly"

A man has been found not guilty of removing 18 of his girlfriend's teeth while they were both high on the hallucinatory drug GHB. Jason Morris, 30, denied inflicting grievous bodily harm on 25-year-old Samantha Court. She was found at their home in Horwich, near Bolton, Greater Manchester, with her body covered in blood and 18 of her teeth either in a bowl or on the bed. She told Bolton Crown Court she had removed her own teeth in an attempt to stop a "luminous green and pink fly" from choking her.

The court, sitting at Bury Magistrates, was told during the three-day trial that the pair had consumed enormous amounts of the liquid drug GHB. Their hallucinations had included "seeing" witches, clowns and floating furniture. Father-of-two Mr Morris was accused of using pliers to remove his girlfriend's teeth. But Miss Court said she had removed her own teeth. 'No pain' She told the court: "I turned to face my bedroom wall and a luminous green and pink fly flew out and down my throat. "That's when it started choking me." She added that, after struggling with the first one, "the rest seemed to just fall out" and she had felt no pain. The jury took just under two hours to deliver their not guilty verdict. The couple, who are still together, have since stopped taking GHB.

Link via www.street-drugs.com

I think the luminous green and pink fly was doing her a favor. Two reasons: A. All Brits have bad teeth (that's the obvious part). B. She'll no longer drag her ungodly teeth on her boyfriend's cock when she's giving him a blowjob. What a nice fly.

If smoking opium with a hookah makes me see hippos with jet packs and monkeys kissing the Lollipop guild, I need to get me a hookah.

2003-03-04T18:49:00.000-05:00

Sweat From Down Under

I was bored at work today so I was flipping through our collection of magazines we get at work for the patient waiting room. One of them was Seventeen. I came upon a section entitled "Sex and Body." One prepubescent pimply teenaged girl asked, "I sweat a lot 'down there' and I know sweating is perfectly healthy, but what if it's so bad that it smells?" Answer: "The best way to keep sweat and odor in check is to wash DAILY with gentle soap and water, making sure to rinse the suds off thouroughly." I'm glad Melissa Daly of Seventeen Magazine is addressing the worries of incipient young women who apparently don't know a thing about soap and water. I'm also happy these budding girls care about their stinky vaginas.

I kept reading and came across this. Rachel who is 14, and her boyfriend are curious to know what happens to a girl when she gets sexually aroused. I'm guessing Rachel and boyfriend are having belly button sex. I know when I was 14 I was waiting for anything projectile to burst forth from down under. I wish I had Seventeen around then. I hope Rachel gives her boyfriend a "boner" soon.

2003-02-24T21:11:00.000-05:00

I happened to be walking by my parent's computer when much to my dismay, I saw my mom blogging. I wanted so bad to not zoom in and read her URL. But I had to.

So here it is ladies and gents, an excerpt from my mom's blog.

Monday February 17th, 2003

I bought unscented Bengay yesterday because my husband always bitches that I smell of Bengay. Well fuck him, if he complains one more time I'll rub some in his boxers. That'll be the most action he's gotten south of his hernia in years.

Tonight I'm roasting an oven stuffer that I purchased with a Stop N' Shop coupon for 1.99 a pound. Clipping coupons is my game.

Oh and I can't forget to watch "Intimate Portrait" on Lifetime tonight. The show is about Bea Arthur.

I'm getting sick and tired of Metumucil, I'm going to have to find another means of getting my fiber.

That's all for now, it's 8PM and it's past my bedtime and also time to take my estrogen patch off.

Frightening enough, I also happened to discover my dad's blog.

Sunday February 23rd, 2003

Hey everyone I have a hernia. It's big and infected. I forgot to ask the doctor if I can continue my Viagra.

Today I installed a new garage door opener that I bought on sale at Home Depot. It looks so easy to install I can do it with my eyes closed.

My wife bought me a pair of Lee jeans from WalMart for my 52nd birthday today. She bought me a size 46! What a bitch! She thinks I'm a fat slob! Little does she know I'm only a size 44 waist. I like to show off my rounded ass.

2003-02-20T18:06:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Tina yet again for helping me out and making my blog cool lookin'. I know all of you are jealous about my well hung little boy. It's ok.

Mardi Gras is coming up soon and to kick off the festivities in New Orleans, some folks are searching for the world's tallest celery stalk to go into the world's largest Bloody Mary. I wish to see this monstrous celery stalk because I'm sure it would also make the world's best slide. As a matter of fact, they should start off the Bloody Mary ceremony with Emmanuel Lewis sliding down the celery stalk and right into the drink! What a sight it would be to see a pint-sized man drink the world's largest drink! I'd show my boobs to Webster for some of his bloody beads.

2003-02-19T01:25:00.000-05:00

Look at this place! It looks quite cool. Too cool that I need my shades to fit in. I have to thank Tina for her artwork and mastermind. When I'm feeling adventurous, I'm turning to Tina again.

2003-02-17T18:33:00.000-05:00

Right now in the midst of the Blizzard of 2003, here in New Jersey we are being dumped with almost 3 feet of snow. I've been out playing on 4 wheelers and having a lil' snow party with my cool neighbors. Even the dogs are out sitting on the snow. Who said summer barbeques are the only fun some have all year long?

I uploaded some pics from my new digital camera.

Here's my friend Brad. He's camera shy.

Here's Larry. He kept hitting me with snowballs. Here he is right before he hit me right in the nose. I think my nose is broken.

This is suzy. She's making Snow Monkeys. She's so sassy in the snow.

This is me! I was caught eating snow. It was yellow so I thought it had a banana flavor. But no my dog peed there. Evil dog.

2003-02-17T01:40:00.000-05:00

I need to find this Rock N' Roll McDonalds. Anything that involves Wesley Willis as the Hamburgler is gold.Courtesy of Dwedit's Flash.

Another funny flash is flying fag Peter Pan and evil Alex Trebek's taking over the world. Whoever created this, I need his dealer.

2003-02-14T18:48:00.000-05:00

Let us all give thanks to St. Valentine for he was decapitated. Poor Valentine. He was only doing it for love. Giving the right of marriage to those who weren't allowed. Maybe if Valentine didn't care about marriage today we would all be dancing queens. Thank you Mr. Valentine.

2003-02-10T19:06:00.000-05:00

You too can have a designer gas mask nose just like Franke Stine. She is the first person to have the nose of the new millenium. Nobel Prize winning scientist, Adam Media and acclaimed plastic surgeon Evelyn Hype, have created the world's first gas mask nose. Even our good ole' President Bush has praised her doings and has made all military and White House personnel eligible for government subsidized nasal reconstructive surgery.

I just think she stuffed 2 peanuts up her nostrils and is now a super sexy model for Gap and the Got Milk? campaign. Now let me tell you, I'm ready to drink lots of milk after I see a big billboard of her nut-clogged nose on the highway.

If you wish she can make public appearances at a gig of yours. She's even willing to go to war.

So if I shoved sea monkeys up my vagina and then gave birth to tons of sea monkeys, would I be a Great American Hero?

2003-02-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

The girl I work with is Guatemalan. She went back to her homeland for a few days and she brought me back some Guatemalen souveniers. I really felt bad accepting them. I can just picture small, malnourished, sweaty and dirty six year-old Guatemalen boys slaving over the pen and bracelet she gave me. No wonder why they start drinking at the age of nine. I think I'm going to go over and save them from the horror and bring them home and let them party at Chuck E. Cheese like it's 1999. The image alone brings you to fantasia.

2003-01-22T21:58:00.000-05:00

Today's women are having less sex than their 1950 counterparts.

We're not fucking because we don't have enough time in our modern busy schedules? I have a solution. Combine the two worlds. Fuck and watch tv. Fuck and watch your kids. Fuck and do your laundry. Fuck and cook, exception when cooking bacon. Fuck and work; well some do that already. Fuck and shower. Fuck and go to the bathroom if that's possible; kinky even for some.

Most girls I know arrange their schedules around fucking. All they want is fucking somewhere in their daily activities.

Speaking of which, I need to go get my fuck on. Oh wait, I won't see him until Friday. Does this mean I'm slipping in my sexual drive?

Shit my world is over as I know it. I'm going to run away and become a sexless extra in Biggy Trouble In Little China.

2003-01-21T21:18:00.000-05:00

I think it's time to run away to Canada. Besides the fact they have delicious Canadian bacon, you can also fill out an application to find out if you have what it takes to be a skilled worker there. You get all the free healthcare plus all the codeine you could ask for over the counter. I'm re-thinking my American citizenship.

Other amenities include:

* Coke and Pepsi use real sugar instead of corn syrup.

* There are lots and lots of do(ugh)nut shops, especially ones called Tim Horton's (named after the hockey player who started the chain).

* When you step on someone's foot, he/she apologizes.

* There are billboards advertising vacations in Cuba, and Cuban cigars are freely available.

* Teenagers can drink legally. The drinking age in Quebec, Manitoba, and Alberta is 18; it's 19 in the rest of the country.

* Movie theatres have one night a week, usually Monday or Tuesday, where they charge matinee prices.

* "Lieutenant" is pronounced "leftenant."

* People end sentences with "eh".

Canadians have been living it up. I want a bunnyhug like them, which is a Saskatchewan term for a kind of hooded sweatshirt with a pocket in the front to keep hands warm. Classy is sitting on a chesterfield, a couch or sofa, eating Kraft macaroni and cheese. Those crazy Canadians love their mac n' cheese.

2003-01-20T13:09:00.000-05:00

The Never Ending Story Of Fragile IHOP Pancakes and World Domination of Tarantulas

So as obesity is a dilemma in the United States as is Iraq, we are at a greater threat to die of obesity-related issues than the current war threat. The statistics say more than half U.S. adults are overweight. So that's 97.1 million adults. That's a lot of chunky people. So here in goes my rant:

IHOP is promoting a limited time offer of Never Ending Pancakes. They start you off with a five stack of their award winning buttermilk pancakes and keep them coming three at a time until you have had your fill. Now I'm not the skinniest Kate Moss here and I sure as hell love a plate of pancakes as the next person, but what in the hell are they thinking?! Pancakes are full of carbs which Dr. Atkins says is a big no no. We already have enough all-you-can-eat buffets and all the fast food we could ever imagine. It's a conspiracy my friends! Pancakes should never be consumed or cooked in excess. They are gentle creatures and they need nuturing love and caring. These "fat officials" want to keep feeding us and stuffing us and feeding us IHOP pancakes until we implode. It's their secret master plan for world domination, to wipe out civilization by stuffing our faces with IHOP pancakes until we can't stop and all gory hell breaks lose. The delicate species we call IHOP pancakes will go into extinct. Do you want these so-called "fat officials", who really are disguised tarantulas, wiping out the human race and destroying these precious pancakes? We need to save these pancakes from annihilation! Conquer these nasty, poisionous, multiple-legged, furry critters!

Everyday millions of pancakes are led to their violent deaths in the slaughter houses of IHOP. Here is a petition to stop the extermination of pancakes. It's about time we stop to this massacre. Please be a peaceful pancake lover and save your dough made from love and goodness with your signature.

Tarantulas and IHOP, you are evil, evil creatures.

2003-01-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

Just when you thought Ken and Barbie's relationship was platonic, Barbie gets pregnant! Pregnant Barbie hit the shelves and created a havoc of controversy. Parents of innocent little prissy 6 year olds refused to let their precious daughter to own one. Even more they didn't want their daughters playing with her and popping out a small plastic baby from her belly. Now obviously it's not coming from Barbie's vagina, but instead the baby just pops out of her belly. Realistic eh?

While we're at it, if you don't want your little adorable angel to play with Pregnant Barbie, how about Transexual Barbie! Hey, if you cannot afford Barbie AND Ken, you can now in one doll!

Or she might even beg for Abused Welfare Teen Barbie with her sixth kid on the way. This way she has more than one baby to play with! She'll gloat to her other friends that her Barbie has SIX babies opposed to their Barbie's one baby. Aren't you just the coolest Mom or Dad?!

Now if your darling daughter says "Hi Mommy!" twice to two different people, you just might want to get her Lesbian Barbie! She'll discover that Barbie for Ken, is never again. She even comes with accessories, leather whips, a bed, and a strap-on. Hey those Barbie manufacturers know whats best for your Lesbian Barbie.

If your cherished daughter is a little on the roly-poly side, you can get her Chubby Barbie! Now your own little fatty will feel better about herself and stay huge forever now that Barbie is chunky. You will find Chubby Barbie resplendent in all her glory upon a sofa. If you send in the bar code, you'll get a one year supply of Big Macs. Oh yeah your beloved daughter will be a Big Mac Princess. You should be so pleased.

Last but not least, new for 2003, Fell In the Deep Fryer McBarbie! Your little adored daughter will learn the value of doing charity work through this plastic humanitarian. On the side of the box that Barbie comes in, this is what describes this newest action figure: While doing charity work at a local McDonalds store, raising money for the Ronald McDonald charities, slipped and fell on the grease-laden floors. SHE WILL NEVER WORK AGAIN! All she wanted to do was help the children of the world, now she is horribly disfigured! Buy this doll to help Barbie raise money to have plastic surgery and a prostetic leg made, so that she may work again.

You will get your educational merit award for showering your little fair-haired one with these dolls. She'll be a well-rounded,scholarly and polished citizen because of your nuturing and love. Thank You Barbie.

2003-01-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

A man and his luxury car. A man and his petite penis. Do I sense a similarity? Perhaps. Now a man who insists on driving a spiffy car like a Mercedes, Lexus, or like my friend Tom who drives a 2003 Orient Blue 325xi BMW might just be sporting a small package. There is no other reason why they need the gratification of driving an expensive automobile. Compensation for the small penis? I should say so.

A real man is a man with an el grande penis whichs control the stick shift if you know what I mean. You can spot them in a Ford F250, Dodge Ram, Yukon, Suburban. Oh yeah baby, like a rock. Thanks Chevy.

Dedicated to my friend Tom with a spiffy car and a little penis, even though he swears it's MASSIVE.

2003-01-15T22:10:00.000-05:00

Fetal scrotal sac and penis. What an exciting sight to see for the first-time proud father-to-be. It's shockingly routine to feel the radiating retarded happiness from 2 inches behind my head as he stares blankly at the ultrasound screen, reciting "Is it really a boy?! Oh! My son! He's going to play football!" Now I understand it's exciting but I don't think the American Civil Liberties Union would appreciate a father of a future homosexual to say his son is GOING to play a manly rugged sport. How does he know that his son is not a raging homosexual inside his wife's amniotic sac within her uterus? Homosexuality is definitely not learned, I personally think you are born with it. I mean come on, if you were a little baby boy sliding down your mother's birth canal and you happened to open your eyes to a disgustingly sight of mommy vagina, you would be horrified and scarred for the rest of your some-odd 80 years.

On the other hand, if at every ultrasound you were told that 99.999% they think it's a boy and then he's born only to be a "she", do you think that girl will grow up to be boyish and eventually a lesbian? A father discovering his boy is really a girl, will still try to dress her up in baby blues and eventually play catch in the front yard with her despite her XX chromosome configuration. It's the apotheosis of Punky Brewster. A tomboy that didn't grow up to be a woman who reads Cosmo and watches Sex In the City, turn out to be the butch lesbian that we are all aware of. You know who she is; short buzz haircut, built like a Mack truck, loves plaid vests, etc...

So the next fetal ultrasound you get make sure the fetal sac and penis stick out like a sore thumb. This way you can say "Yeah, he takes after me." Or you can just hand the ultrasound technician 50 bucks and the above rant is void.

Dedicated to all the fathers-to-be out there. May your son's penis be larger than yours.